OK. So, here I go, again.
I was given an assignment by my new therapist; to come up with a daily schedule in an effort to ensure that I make and secure time for my creative expression. Great! Wonderful idea! I really could use some help getting on track. I’ve had such an amazingly, awful time focusing and concentrating the last several months.
I started right away. As soon as I got home that afternoon I sat down and began working on “The Schedule”. She took the time in the office that day to hunt for a format that would work for my needs and printed out two copies. (Already ahead of the game!) I began with Saturday, because why wait till Monday? So, now my schedule page was already out of whack being that it starts on a Monday. I wrote the dates down by each day and got to scheduling. Yay!
I managed to stay on task long enough to complete my schedule through Sunday. I filled in bits and pieces throughout the week, for time I already had accounted for. Things like; ‘Wake up’, ‘Get Corbin ready for school’, ‘Pick up Medication, ‘Get Corbin off bus’. I knew I would continue to work on my schedule through the weekend, so I wasn’t concerned with not having finished it.
Well, I did work on it. I half completed one week, which is only 1/4 complete, realistically. I have done the most fantastic job of not following my schedule. And the minimal portions I was able to fill in were all very generic, with entries like; ‘Take nap’, ‘Do stuff’, ‘Write something’, ‘Clean things’.
Today is Wednesday, the second Wednesday of my two week schedule, and this is the first time I have taken the initiative to do anything ‘creative’. It’s pretty ridiculous. Why can’t I seem to focus long enough to put some words together, or string some beads and bend some wire? I don’t know.
I’m sure there are tons of excuses I can come up with, along with realistic life situations that interfere with our desire to pursue extracurricular, life enriching hobbies. Right now, my reasoning is ‘I just don’t feel like it’. I want to feel like it, though. It’s very frustrating. Maybe, it’s much deeper than ‘I just don’t feel like it’. Perhaps I’m hiding behind my ‘laziness’ and lack of focus. Maybe I’m falling backward into the darkness that whispers, “You are bad. You are not worthy. You are not good enough. Your voice is weak and your mind is feeble.”
The act of writing these words now has me feeling a mixture of emotions. I am relieved to be outside in the shade, listening to the birds sing and the soft sounds of my cat snoring. I am relieved that I am able to write something, even if it is not exactly what I prefer to add to my blog. I am full of guilt for not following my assignment as thoroughly as I know I am capable of doing. I am feeling guilty and anxious because I told my son I would play Minecraft with him, but I am trying to finish up this post first. And I also feel a little sad that I’m rushing this process and not taking the time to be more thoughtful of my post today. I will post this regardless, because right now, the act of writing and posting is more important than the final product. It is only so because I know that once I create forward motion within myself, I will be more likely to continue in that direction.
Bear with me, please. I will do better, I hope, anyway.
erin is... me 